“Telling lies is a bit like tiling bathrooms — if you don't know how to do it properly, it's best not to try.”
- Tom Holt
45 years ago today I was discharged from the United States Marine Corps. Is that possible? It would seem so. My three-year stint was done. I made my way to Springfield, MO and enrolled at Southwest Missouri State University. I thought I'd give college another go. My first stab at it right out of high school had resulted in my being summarily dismissed from the halls of higher learning (or “learing” if you're in Minnesota). It turns out you're supposed to go to class and also not get into physical altercations with the other students. But, time with Uncle Sam had matured me slightly, so I thought I'd start down the grown up path.
Once enrolled, there was the issue of food and shelter. I needed some. What to do? As you likely know, Springfield, MO is the headquarters of BassPro Shops. Its founder, Johnny Morris, is an area native. He got his start in 1972 selling fishing lures out of the back of one of his father's 24 Brown Derby Liquor stores that populate the city.
Brown Derby was known for hiring college kids who could work part-time with flexible hours. It seemed like an option for me. I met with a man named John Payne who was in charge of hiring and personnel. He was an amicable fellow with the most impressive Wild Bill Hickok mustache that I'd ever seen up to then or have since. He looked over my slim resume and thought I'd be good for hire. The only additional step needed for employment was for me to take a polygraph test. That was a thing then. You can understand why in a retail business like that, employee theft could take a big bite out of the bottom line. Polygraphs, however, are no longer allowed for screening in private sector jobs. The Employee Polygraph Protection Act of 1988 outlawed its use. Welcome thieves!
John Payne gave me the time and place to go for my “lie-detector test.” I drove to a small office in a nondescript warehouse and met the man who would administer my test. He explained the procedure to me and after I agreed to be tested he gave me a piece of paper with some questions to answer. One question was, “Have you ever stolen anything from an employer?” I wrote down, “I'm not going to say that I'm not in possession of a field jacket from the USMC." When I was finished, he took the questionnaire and read it over. He asked me about the field jacket. I assumed my employment chance was blown, so I just said, “What can I tell you?” He said, “I don't think there's any of us that spent time in the military that wouldn't answer in a similar way.” SAVED!
The test itself was just like on TV and in the movies. He hooked some electrodes on my fingertips and maybe somewhere else as well. I'm not sure on that. The little machine was there on a table beside him. It had the arm that moved up and down making marks on the graph paper like on an EKG. First he asked me some factual questions to set a baseline, like, “What is your name?” Then he proceeded on to more probing queries. I can't remember any of those. I do remember feeling like I was on an episode of Perry Mason.
The test concluded and it was confirmed that I was not a liar or a thief at the time. I went on to a two year career in liquor sales that provided me with life's basics necessities . After that I had another job opportunity which I took and that finished out my undergraduate college career. But, anytime I drive by a Brown Derby store here in town, which is often, I always say a little word of thanks to them for getting me up and running in a new chapter of my life.